i lay broken in a vast, barren wasteland
my small body burns, lips cracked and dry
salivating vultures prepare for their feast
i watch your oasis, forbidden to my touch
as we stand parallel; mirror images
but i am no longer your transcendent oasis.
you smile, drinking from your everlasting chalice
relishing in your undeniably flawless haven
and transfixed by the beauty in your ethereal bliss,
my eyes relax, and i slowly decompose.
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the creatures we’ve become .
bring me back to a heart that once beat so powerfully,
brilliant colors of our aura so vibrant and naive,
the sheer impossibility of misery during youth.
bring me back to those endless summer days
where time only mattered when our shadows became us.
how could a soul that once shone so radiantly
become a gray cipher burrowed in our spirits?
We drone on, unmistakably hollow beneath our shells.
aspiring to a life much greater than our own.
Now, we look upon photographs of fond memories
affirming that we were once truly, undoubtedly happy.
bring me back to those days.
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he looks at you. eyes subtle but intent, searching for someone to feel his pain. someone to ask him prodding questions that would let him break down and confess that the darkness is overtaking him and the hotlines aren’t working and he can’t afford a therapist and his parents live in Florida and he has no siblings and his best friend is traveling overseas and those phone cards dont last very long so the most he’s ever revealed to him was, “life sucks over here.” you make eye contact with him but you can’t make it better because you don’t know what to say. you’ve never been in this type of situation before, and you have your own problems to worry about and so you ignore it. you continue on with a light conversation that would never get to the point that would expose his internal thoughts and feelings that are slowly ripping apart his soul and threatening to take his life, because you don’t know what to say. his eyes are still intent, losing hope but clinging on because he thinks that maybe, just maybe, you will be the one to change his fate that he created on a tuesday night when no one would answer his phone calls .
but you don’t.
you hope that someone else will talk to him and help him feel better,
because you, you don’t know what to say.
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the mirror.
i find myself playing in dark, rippling water, a dim glow illuminating royal blue walls.
warm bubbles swish beneath my kicking legs, sometimes burning too hot and scalding me.
dangerous creatures observe my fluid movement.
curious, hungry eyes silently scrutinize.
until i make the wrong choice.
crossroads between right and wrong, needs, desires. heart, mind, passion, insight.
voices screaming in my fragile mind. scraping at my brain, ripping apart my eardrums.
tribal thumps, beating under my feet, destroying inner peace and i scream louder, to overcome.
the voices enjoy my helpless shrieks, swirling, and then before i crack, silence.
in it’s place, something more terrifying appears and i strain to see the reflection
she’s a liar. she’s smiling, covered in blood that is not her own.
her heart, black as coal. sweet as poison, sincere as sin.
that’s not me. yet, i see her through my reflection,
i throw myself to oblivion to rid my own worst enemy.
the isolation; louder. deafening silence; slow agony.
the blissful swirling water grows cold.
the warmth, now ice crystals, sharp as knives, pulling me under.
and i submerge.
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a terrible poem.
i’d hand you the universe to see a smile on your face.
i’d hold your fragile, shaking hands when your empire began to crumble.
i’d caress your blistered, broken lips, and name it purple velvet.
i’d silence my nothings if my voice no longer offered you solace.
i’d shelter you from a hurricane to tear my own fragile spine.
i’d humiliate myself to protect your precious pride.
i’d do all this for you when i can’t even look in the mirror.
but first, my dear, you must discover me.
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take me away.
take me to a venue abundant in colors. a myriad pigments and shades upon the blackest night sky of eternity. take me to a frigid blizzard with an absence of color so vast that it resembles a silver canvas. take me to an endless canyon so extravagant that the complexion and smells of Earth shroud me in burnt sienna. take me to the most brilliant crystal field where every facet reflects a single object, an iridescence in the most concentrated form.
deliver me from the dreary gray of struggle and show me the color of hope.
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the final song
Exhaustion from the intricate dance
Once so effortless, pure, natural
The music, now too quick to catch up
Fluttering, Fluttering.
Open space must suffice as a refuge.
So cemented, so awkward, so helpless.
Falling, Falling
Fluttering down in the eternal abyss
This is the feeling, this is the demise.
It can’t be, oh, it can’t be! Resume the dance!
Struggling, Struggling.
Stillness and comprehension consume the air
Facing the inevitable, the final dance
The song plays ahead, leaving heavy discord
Scuffling, Scuffling.
So much power, insignificant in comparison
But no, I must resume. I must resume.
Clinging, Clinging.
Extraordinary efforts to resume breathing,
One last protest. A tiny bead of life.
Failing, Failing.
But too late, for the song is over.
Oh, yes, Death is stronger than me.
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impossibly, i attempt to compose letters and phrases
to articulate a myriad of thoughts
while quietly listening to our beating hearts
steady drums, subtle reminders
that our minds are one, yet our bodies in two
and our desires compile into the urge to pull closer.
the silence exposes our deepest thoughts,
the nexus between us loudest in the absence of words
as i hesitatingly consider the risk
of leaving feather light kisses on your collarbones
oh, the absolute struggle of attempting to fathom
how my soul survived before our paths crossed
trajectories colliding, creating our own oasis
oblivion had bared its teeth, an eternal consumption
and tensed and terrified, i braced for the darkness,
and plummeted into your awaiting refuge.
quiet bliss, genuine promises, i look to you
broken, yet incessantly giving, a modest perfection
and gratitude surging, streaming, swelling,
i took your hand, and your heart
and i promised to make you whole again.
